


Vlog 49 | Catch Up With A Mistake

by glunkus



Series: johnnyc13 [1]
Category: Johnny the Homicidal Maniac
Genre: Domestic, M/M, Short & Sweet, Youtuber AU, i really dont know what to tag this honestly, not much happens is all, sorry for lack of tags, this is a transcript of a vlog, vlog, youtuber nny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 17:56:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8337274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glunkus/pseuds/glunkus
Summary: "Let me tell you about last week."youtuber au — a vlog Johnny makes covering a trip to walmart and a couple of overzealous kids at a pizza parlor





	

"It's Monday," Johnny has bedhead to the extreme, despite an obvious attempt to manage the mess, "hey, everybody. Let me tell you about last week." The video cuts, a black screen comes up, white text superimposed: The Gang Goes to An Italian Restaurant.

"That was an homage to a tv show," he's wearing another shirt now, one that is very obviously Edgar's, and it's hanging off of his shoulders limply, "one of Devi's favorites. Fuck it." Johnny rubs a hand over his face, groans, then the video cuts again.

"So, Monday. Monday of last week. You know. On Monday, me and Edgar, we get lost in the mega Walmart." he takes a drink from a soda can, makes a face at it, "We went there looking for, uh, shit. Shit. Fuck. God, uh,  _fuck_. Edgar!" he's turned his head to look toward his bedroom doorway, and the video cuts.

When it comes back, Edgar is standing in the background, "Tell the nice people what we went to the mega Walmart for."

"Oh, come on," Edgar's hand rises up to meet his face, "do we really have to do this, right now?"

"Yes. Tell them. I can't remember."

"We went looking for a new shower head. You broke the one we have," a silence builds between them, Johnny's face blooming into awareness as he remembers. "Can I go, now? I'm cooking."

"Mm, what are you making?"

"Do you want some?"

"It's not spinach, is it?"

"No, Johnny, it's not," Edgar is laughing now, closer to the camera in order to nudge the back of Johnny's head with a gentle hand, "of course it's not."

The video cuts here, again, filled with a short black screen. 

When Johnny comes back, he's chewing on a spoonful of macaroni and cheese. He swallows, the spoon clinks on the bowl.

"We go looking for a shower head. Edgar says that the website says they're in stock, whatever. Who cares." he takes another bite of macaroni, his phone buzzes, he yells "Fuck!" and the video cuts. "We get there, it's not there. They don't even— they don't even  _have_ fucking shower heads. Maybe one. It's super expensive. We are not buying some gold-encrusted shower head." the video cuts again, johnny comes back with another full bowl of cheesy pasta.

"Why are we buying a new shower head, you ask?" he punctuates his question with a bite, "Well. Allow me to explain: a shower head is not made to fill, and hold up a giant water balloon. Which is unfortunate." he chews another bite, swallows pointedly. "Really fucking unfortunate." the video cuts. No more macaroni, this time.

"So we're in there. The girl at the human resources counter is useless. She knows who Edgar is, which is even worse, holy fuck." he scrapes his fingers through his hair, straightens it out slightly. "She gets an autograph or something, fuck it, and she's like," Johnny puts on this horrible vocal fry, completely monotone, despite being physically painful, "we don't have those here. The closest store with one is in the next county." Johnny coughs on his impression, the video cuts. 

"Yeah, that's bullshit. So we just go back into the store, just kind of, you know, perusing whatever wares Walmart has for us." he laughs bitterly, rubs a hand over his eyes. 

"First of all, this place is huge. You think you understand how huge it is, but you just— you don't. It's gigantic. It's sprawling, endless, absolutely abysmal like the underworld itself; I would know." he gives another long, hefty laugh, somehow seeming sinister in the light that filters in from the window. "We see some people, they look war-torn. They haven't seen light in days. Some woman looks right out of the 80s. It's horrible." the video cuts as Johnny cackles, caught up in his laughter.

"We're lost in there. Whatever we think we're going to look for, we  _cannot_ find. I've been carrying a six pack of cherry soda since we  _got_ there, it isn't even  _cold_ anymore, like it was when I grabbed it." he's gesticulating wildly, eyes wide. "An hour later, we make it to the cash registers. The music is fucking— the music is bad. Elevator music, but some— somehow  _worse_." he covers his face for a long moment, lets out a terrible whine, "We make it out. We survive. Edgar drives us home and it sucks, it sucks so bad. The soda is hot and it's already dark out and it's— it's so bad. It's awful. Never again. We go home, we sleep it the fuck off, okay? We try and forget the whole experience."

The screen goes black for four whole seconds, no music, nothing else, just blackness. Then Johnny returns. 

"So, Edgar and I don't leave the house for like two days after, we were so fucked up over the whole thing." he sighs, stretches out to pop his back loudly. "Then there's Thursday. Fucking Thursday. Devi wants to go to lunch, we get everybody together. Jimmy was in our living room, that useless piece of human waste," despite the vile words, Johnny has a slightly appreciative look on his face, "Devi brings Tenna, it's a thing. We go to a pizza place because Devi is a vegetarian and there's always options for her at a place like that." he babbles a little, fingers scratching at his cheek, catching on a tender pimple. He doesn't pick at it, but his fingers twitch like they desperately want to.

"We get there, it's not bust because nobody likes that shit, but there's these... these kids." the word doesn't work out right on his tongue, falling out awkwardly, "Like— Like, young kids. Fourteen, fifteen. Kids." he stops, contemplates, "I don't know whose fans they were, it doesn't matter. But they filmed us eating." Nothing in his voice betrays any feelings, completely monotone.

"We—" he falters, words not coming properly, "We like talking to you guys. We  _want_ to talk to you guys. You can approach us, you can talk to us, you know? Shit. Edgar might take a selfie with you. Whatever." Johnny repositions himself in his chair, actually looks toward the camera. "The thing is, you guys can't be  _weird_." he pauses for a long time, sighs. "It— it—it's creepy to have some kid sitting across the restaurant from you and— and you look, and you see— they never  _stop_ looking at you."

"And," he runs his hands through his hair, scratches roughly when he reaches the back, "and we know our fans are mostly kids. I say kids," he pauses, long and reflective, "I mean, we're still kids. We know you guys are— you're our peers, that's how old you guys are— all we want is to make you guys happy, but," Johnny puts his hands on his desk, fans them out, "to some degree, there's a place where it's gotta stop." 

The video cuts, short and quick, and Johnny has repositioned himself again when it comes back. "Like, if we're eating; let us fucking eat. And if we're out at the movies, don't interrupt the goddamn movie," he laughs there, possibly sincere, "and, you know, if it's just one of us, don't ambush us." he pauses, the laughter long gone. "We care about you guys, you've brought us all together, made our lives better— except for Jimmy. Fuck him. But, like," he struggles for words, grasping at the air, "just be cool. Because, you know, just— be cool."

"Anyway." Johnny rubs his eyes, plasters a half-smile onto his face, bearing crooked teeth. "Thanks. That's the end of this video. Stay corporeal, kids." 

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: in order to write vlogs, i actually have to do them, in order for them to feel authentic, to me. that being said, i mean that i write out some key points for the vlog, and get to talking to my webcam. every character is different, but it's especially easy for Johnny because i don't have to edit out my stuttering, most of the time, when i'm transcribing.
> 
> so— i have over thirty videos on my computer that constitute as edited vlogs for lives that are not mine. it's a ride. they're really fun, though. hope y'all enjoyed.


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